Diary of Resurrection

[anastasia]

Well, lookie here! Ana's got herself a Journal, too! Figuring she better start a Diary to at least help her sort through all these strange things that are happening. These will be all in character from her point of view. Some of it may be recaps of some threads while other entries will not having anything to do with threads at all. But it will definitely be reflecting those she meets and activities around the Manor and Village.

FYI, here is a thread that keeps the stories she's involved in, in a timeline and thread tracker: phantommanor.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=brainstorm&thread=456

Enjoy!

[anastasia]

Well, here I am. Writing in another diary again like I used to do many years ago when I was a teenager. But after all I've been through lately, I need to write all of this down to try and comprehend the events and my thoughts. Even I don't believe it all! Nor do I understand it.

Unfortunately I had to get another diary because my original was lost in a recent fire. I don't understand how that fire happened. I darn near lost my life! Of course I'm spooked! Nothing makes sense. Nothing ever made sense ever since I came here to this blasted town! Ever since I visited that Manor that the locals warned me about which I outright ignored their advice to stay away from it. It's not that I didn't believe anyone that it was haunted. I didn't know how strange that Manor was.

The Manor. After I visited it, I did what I could to avoid it. Ok, so I rode close to it on a daily basis. What can I say, I was in awe of the place. It looked majestic and mysterious.
It was that first day I visited the Manor - which I did write more in depth about that visit in the original diary - was the strangest day of my life!
I went to find Billie, who was supposedly there according to his messages. When I got to the Manor, Billie was gone but met a strange man who did everything possible to prove to me that he was the Phantom from Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical. This was no mere guy who dressed up in a costume thinking he was the Phantom, this really was him! I can't believe I actually believed that man! But he convinced me in so many ways. I still do not know if I fully believe him but how can I doubt? I sound like I'm losing my mind! Perhaps I am. I just don't understand. How could the Phantom be real?! He's only a fictional character?
I had pretty much forgotten about that old story I read when I was 16. Nearly forgot about everything. Every emotion. Every stupid desire. Every naive delusion. Time changes a person. Thank God!
I sigh though. I'm tormented by thoughts that just seem to over take me and piss me off. Nope. I refuse to love anyone. Tired of having my heart broken with false hopes and lies. I'm not sure what the hell I feel. I cannot push that Phantom from my mind. Phantom. HA! Erik Lenoir is his name. I learned more about him that was never in the story or musical. I just don't know whether to believe him or not. He's so convincing. So real. I'm more than confused. But since that day I met Mister Lenoir, I have done what I can to avoid him and the Manor.
I no longer can. I live in the Manor now since the house burned down and there are no other properties in town available. I'm scared. I admit it. There are things in this room that I know would have been and should have been lost in the fire. And yet, here they are! Even clothes! I've gotten to the point of locking myself in this room then there are times I just run from this room and outside, wanting so much to run away from this Manor. Something does not feel right. I'm scared! I admit it! I'm scared! I admit there are a couple times I'm in tears wondering what the hell is going on! I'm nothing more than an emotional wreck right now!
I have to avoid this Erik Lenoir though. I have to. I scare myself. Just the thought of Lenoir, I admit, arouses me. I feel lust and I'm not usually a person to give into lust. But, oh, those kisses. Now I really understand how much of a sensual man he really is. He's dangerous and to keep my wits and sanity, I MUST stay away from him! Avoid him at all costs. For if I ever see him again, lord knows what may happen! The mere thought my stomach is all butterflies. I'm not that innocent teenager I once was with a sense of preserved virtue any more. I've lost my virtue and easily cave to my own pressures. This is what happens to you the older you get. You bend so easily. You cave. You crave. Especially if you've been denied something for so long.
God help me!


Mood: stunned
Drinking: Hurricane
Listening to: Wind of Change - Scorpions; Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper; Trip the Darkness - Lacuna Coil

[anastasia]

Once again I have not kept up with writing in this diary. I should. I really should. So much has happened since last the last entry.
Where do I begin?

I suppose I should start with the night of the fire and the following day. A day that changed my life really. Still unsure if it's a good or bad thing. I somewhat recall the fire. I somewhat remember running through darkness. I definitely recall resting and recovering in a strange man's home. Well, sort of a home. Some place beneath the Manor itself! A house by a massive underground lake. Strange and rather eerily familiar. He was kind enough to care for me of which I am indebted to him for as long as I live really. I admit, I was a bit spooked and thrown off my guard believing that this tall, incredibly thin man was THE Erik from the story. So easy to confuse but he was not the one whom I thought. I know nothing of this Erik Lavalais. His story is no where in any book. He's an utter mystery. However, I've no doubt in my mind he is much like the Erik from Leroux's book, I caught a glimpse of his chin and lips along with his hands. They were of a strange, almost gross color, liken to that of a person who was dead and embalmed. The fact that a living corpse was so close to me had me in knots. I'm not so keen about the dead, corpses being one of my major fears. I don't know how I kept my wits about me. The mere thought of him twists my stomach. But I cannot by any means be cruel or frightened terribly, he was incredibly kind, helpful, and possessed such a wonderful voice. It's a type of catch 22. Part of me fears meeting him again and yet, I would very much like to see him again.
Yes, strange. I know.

Oh! I nearly forgot the following days after I met Lenoir. Well, that was quite interesting. First after that day, I met a gal named Lu - Christine Lucinda Dallas. She acts as though she's from the American Old West. It was very strange, but she and I struck it up rather well. She's level headed so to speak, a little rough around the edges but still nice.
There was also that night after meeting Lenoir and Lu, that I had to return to the bleedin' Manor - yes, I'm picking up their curse words around here in England - because apparently a couple of drunk guys could not put away the horse or carriage! So, Billie called me and had me take care of the horse and carriage. Those drunk guys ended up being Raoul de Chagny - granted an older version like around my age actually - and Erik Lenoir! Believe me, I was stunned. Billie talk to me later about it and asked me some questions about what happened when Lenoir and I met, especially in the stable. In a way, it was a bit disturbing. Lenoir shocked me though and I left him to his mood to deal with the horse and carriage. I thought I would be done with him, pretty much as I stated in the above entry.
As I was dealing with the horse and carriage, another Phantom approached and thus I met Erik Carriere. Mind you, my mind is in a not-so-kosher state aka rather distraught over the fact that Lenoir is rather upset at me. Hence I've been incredibly upset with him since. Anyways, Carriere listened to me as I pretty much was upset and yes, I admit, cried some. But, got my wits back in order and went inside the Manor to the kitchen for some hot chocolate after putting away the carriage and horse. I admit, it was an interesting chat. Again, I would have never thought. Yes, it did somewhat disturb me that I was talking to another Phantom that I saw or knew from the story when I was 16. Again, by all means, these guys should not exist! And yet here they are, right before my eyes, as real as real can be! Flesh and blood and bone! Nothing that is fake about them at all! Bewildering to no end really. But it was nice having hot chocolate and a chat.

Not much since I came to the Manor. The usual of working with horses, working out my own horse, instructing and training, a couple of runs to transport horses. Nothing out of the ordinary. My usual lifestyle really.

Hmm, what else since I came to the Manor.
Oh, yes!
After my recovery and isolation, I did venture out eventually. It was late at night, sometime around midnight. While searching for the kitchen because I was a bit hungry and ran out of water, of all people that I should meet up with again, I crossed paths with Erik Lenoir! Funny, isn't it? Well, he and I reconciled, so to speak. I have to admit, he's not really a bad guy one you get to know him. Beyond that little display of 'I am the Phantom of the Opera', he's a normal man with the common problems. He and I talked quite a bit, I think for nearly two hours. He made me something to eat which was mighty sweet of him. I owe him supper now. But the poor man is so torn with losing someone he loved and she was not Christine! He really doesn't need another heartache. I fully understand his situation. It was good to talk to him really. Both of us really understand the issues and one another. Oddly, we hit it off. Without any tension of mesmerizing or who he really was, or anything else. First impressions can indeed be rather false. Lenoir's a really good guy. I believe we struck up a really good friendship.

Missed Thanksgiving since it's not something to celebrate in England, not much one can do really but I did enjoy a little bit of a small feast for myself on Thanksgiving Day. Wish I could have watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Oh, well.
So now that means the Holidays have begun and I've gone looking for decorations to help brighten up this sad looking, dark Manor. The Holidays are not dark and sad! It's a joyous time and hopefully it will help brighten the spirits of those whom I have had the pleasure of meeting, especially Carriere and Lenoir whom both seem to be rather, well, down on their luck in some way.
Yes, time to get Christmas music and come Christmas decorations.


Mood: Content
Drinking: iced tea with lemon
Listening to: Seven Wonders - Fleetwood Mac; Can't Get You Out Of My Head - Kylie Minogue; Broken Wings - Mr. Mister; Who Are You - The Who

[anastasia]

I'm finding it a little difficult to write in here regularly. Originally I planned to write daily entries but obviously that's not happening. Perhaps with the first of the year I will actually do that. We shall see.

I've already started to explore this massive place but won't go to certain places like below. Not that it's forbidden, I just cannot bring myself to descend into the depths, the tunnels or to the Lakes below. Fear grips me and so that is the real reason why I tend to stay above in the Manor. I'm curious but not that curious to be stupid and foolish!

Well, the Holidays are nearly over with. What a December it has been! I'm far from the home - 'across the pond' as these Brits would say - and yet the Manor is feeling like a second home. I have not even contemplated looking for another place to live. I doubt I will at this point. I've settled here and continue to get to know some of the others who live here, too.

I met Castagne one cold December night as I was star gazing. He's the one from the old silent Lon Chaney version of Phantom of the Opera. He, like Carriere and Lenoir, is rather sweet. Though I thought I would be scared out of my mind around these odd men. I no longer am. Perhaps this Manor is changing me. It sure feels like it! I no longer feel like I am my old self. I enjoyed the conversation with Castagne. I don't know what he really thinks of me or if he knows that I know what he looks like under that spooky mask of his. I don't know which is more frightening - his face or the mask. I would think the mask because there is something about it that just has me unsettled. But he is sweet and quite darling, humble with a charming voice. I look forward to seeing him again, hopefully on a daily basis if only to say "hello". That goes with all the Phantoms.

I met THE Erik! The original from the novel! I was preparing to start decorating the Manor as I love to decorate for the Holidays and HE appeared! I was more than beside myself! Nearly frozen with knowing a living corpse was so close to me, helping me, but I had to push away those fears and be at least kind. What a moment I could barely fathom! He was a gentleman and I admit, I enjoyed the conversations and time spent! I also admit, I look forward to seeing him again.

Lenoir joined me on a Sleigh ride days ago. It was a nice little excursion. He sang which I greatly enjoyed. How could one not like his voice? I adore his voice! Then a rather scary moment for me as we sang. I sang with Erik Lenoir the Phantom! I could never do his voice justice with my own bland voice. All in all it was a very nice outing. But I am getting too close to him and I admit, it bothers me. But I crave it!

Christmas Eve was rather interesting. Nice I suppose. A couple confusing things but I had to keep the Christmas Spirit and stay positive. Oh, now I laugh at that. Isn't that what Lenoir said I should do? Be positive? So now I sigh at how my life suddenly has become involved with these Gentlemen Phantoms. Numbs me and makes me dizzy to just think about it. I adore them all in ways that I do not understand. Each one I am drawn to like a moth to a flame. I do my best to try and keep my distance yet I cannot. I'm confused and as I said above, I don't feel like myself. Feeling emotions and sensations that seems to open up new doors I never knew existed. I'm forced to deal with issues I never had the strength to confront in the past. Just as I am forced to have to control my own desires which seems to want to be released and overwhelm me. I am at the mercy of something unknown that I am trying to stop. It's these feelings, these desires, the little things in the back of my minds, heart and soul that I fear; fear of getting too close to them! I fear not being able to control myself in their presence and giving in to whatever it is. I seem to long for something from them, forcing myself to stop for now, to end whatever it is that I feel is too much, to have gone too far. Love. Lust. Anything deeper, any sort of relationship could be more than dangerous with any of them and yet I'm drawn to do just that! Already Lenoir and I have grown a close friendship of which I fear. I don't want him close! And yet, I want him closer! I'm confusing myself, constantly at odds and conflicted to no end! Will they be disgusted with me when they finally know more about me? I am no innocent, nothing pure. I am no Christine. I am simply a common modern woman with nothing special about me. I don't have her strength to resist. I'm no Lady from their era. I am just here. Simply because I have lived. I do what I have experienced. I exist still because perhaps I hope. I hope for something that I long for and yet, I'm not sure if I ever will get it or should want it. I don't know if I could even allow myself to let go. If I have another broken heart, I won't be able to endure it. I would surely die! I have endured too much already and the men here in the Manor have amplified my emotions more than ten fold - Lenoir, Erik, Castagne, Lavalais, Carriere, even Philippe and Aimeric. Oh, yes, Philippe. A handsome man whom I cannot find words to even describe. Kindred spirit would describe them all! I'm so utterly confused here! There is no way I'll be sane if I remain here for a long! I will no doubt lose myself and give into any temptation that arises here. I will lose all self-control.



Mood: Conflicted
Drinking: Hot Chocolate w/ a Peppermint Stick
Listening to: Too Close - Alex Clare; Self Control - Laura Branigan; Send Me An Angel - Real Life; Need You Now (How Many Times) - PLUMB